Choosing to be a Doormat

Once upon a time at a workplace, a quiet woman desperately wanted to be liked by everyone. Former friends would called her weird and others insecure. Former employers would call out attendance issues and erratic work quality. A foot into her thirties, she boldly applied for a new job. A larger workplace and different duties.

Ana was pleasant. Eager to what to help and open to learning. Acclimating to a very busy medium-size office will always bring challenges. Higher call volumes. Different departments protocol and much to learn about a new industry. The role required a lot of pivoting. Some days are more difficult for Ana than others. Things decided yesterday could flip the next day. That was the business. Challenging even for the seasoned employee.

Her manager used a leadership style of learning by empowerment. Not what she was used to. Ana was used to managers and co-workers yelling at her. Calling out her ‘dumb’ mistakes.

Task components were reviewed, a viewpoint of how to approach and deadline given. There was an open question policy. Only boundary was to schedule a meeting to ensure that enough time would be set aside and not be disruptive to her manager’s schedule. Ana struggled. Struggled hard with trying to remember her questions or schedule a meeting. She thought quietly opening her manager’s doors and creeping in to whisper the questions was the better approach.

She’d interrupt meetings, calls, or quiet worktime that her manager was trying to complete. That method was brought up in weekly meetings. Ana’s manager attempted to find a solution to their situation, making sure training and performance was on track and supporting Ana in her role.

Ana’s anxiety and insecurity would continue to get the best of her. Listen with her ear to the door of her manager’s office. Constantly, knock to attempt to ask a question, but never able to articulate what that question was. She’d bring her notebook but never write down the question. What she wrote was a mystery.

A behavioral pattern that started as an occasional interruption, quickly dissolved into complete breakdown. Her manager is unsuccessful in boosting Ana’s confidence or figuring out her triggers. Workload reduced and a series of training courses in different styles started.

In any size of an office, others will talk. Those kindhearted would encourage and help or guidance. Ana dismissed those voices. The toxic ones saw fresh meat and Ana embraced being wanted. Yes, she could pass along confidential information. Yes, of course, she thought her manager was mean and uncaring just like it was suggested. Yes, Ana was seeing the light that it wasn’t her abilities, her manager was the problem. Yes, it was her manager who was talking about her and spying on her. It didn’t matter whether her manager was highly regarded for her specialized engineering knowledge or whether she was a quiet person.

During a weekly multi-department manager’s meeting, Ana’s manager heard more than an earful about the problems Ana was causing across the groups. Some were petty and others more alarming. HR wanted to discuss next steps; either termination or a performance plan. Her manager wanted the opportunity to speak with Ana. Understand her perspective. Recording all the feedback.

Ana was provided with the list from her manager’s notes to review. She was visibly trembling. Tears in her eyes. Her manager simply repeated the open question policy with expectations. Then said, any relationship takes all parties communicating with each other. It’s an active role based on respect. Both need to commit to working out problems. It’s not a one-way street.

Ana’s manager as an example stated that the workload removed from Ana didn’t disappear. That work needed to be done. Deadlines still need to be met, for a pass-off to another department. I do that work after my three kids are in bed and my husband’s needs are met. Her husband was completely disabled from an auto accident five years ago.

While I didn’t appreciate hearing all the negative comments about myself from words that began from you to others; I’d like to understand the how and why. I don’t recall the interactions that same way. It was stated that you believe I spy on her in your email and instant message. Per the handbook IT does regular security on those functions, not me. Can you given me an example?

Ana stated that during a lunch order the restaurant was changed and her manager mentioned the name of the person who most likely did that. That individual was Ana’s favorite person. Her manager simply stated, Dana loves that place, it’s pricy and she pushes it when the company pays. I don’t see how me knowing that information and a conclusion is drawn to spying on you equate.

Ana’s manager stated; you have choice to make; you can grow or you can leave. If you believe everyone in the workplace is your friend, you will always have a rocky path to walk. Can you find a life-long friend at work? Yes. Those are the ones who want to see you thrive and not expect a payment. They don’t talk about you behind your back, blame you, and say ‘love ya’ to your face. That’s choosing to be a doormat. That’s not a friend.

I don’t care about drama, that is me and how I operate. If work is the priority, then there is no room for games. I want to be clear; I have mentored many individuals over the years. All have risen in their skills and abilities. I have never had anyone describe, accuse, or suggest the traits and actions on that list. If you choose to stay, know that trust is earn.

Ana chose to stay. Her managers ask her to write down an actionable plan for what she needed to be successful in her role. Adding all of her workload back and where she wanted to see herself in five and ten years.

Seven years later, with a finished college degree and a bright future as a project manager, she grew. Growth is the gateway to the next chapter. It only becomes an ending if you allow yourself to be a doormat.