Kevin – The Epic Negator

Once upon a time at a workplace, lived a legend. According to Scandinavian folklore, Kevin was afraid of sun light, fluorescent light, light bulb illuminations, energy efficient lighting, and Edison’s first light bulb. Under troll protocol, he needed to be the first one in the workplace before any lights impeded his journey from his home under a dank and dark bridge. Once in, no lights were a requirement.

As employees came in, flipping on light switches – the negative comments and reminders that he doesn’t like bright lights. He had an umbrella at his cubicle that would be opened to block light. New employees walking past would stop – stunned. Kevin would have it resting on the top of his head and monitor. The pole right in his line of sight.

Kevin, the epic negator, didn’t like how the rest of the world operated. An opinion on everything that others did wrong. While it was never proven on an ancestor lineage; it was to draw a line straight to troll. He wanted to be far away from humans and work. Would spend hours gathering his snacks, lunch, and fluid beverage for hydration. It was as if he was living in another time than the one presently in motion.

Everyone knew that he had to work until 62. All his years working and getting taken advantage of by the company. It wasn’t his constant borrowing against his 401(k) or looking at his small pension or an obsession with Craig’s List purchases.

Technically, Kevin was a fixture, not an employee. For 44 years, at the same company, he avoided working. For the last 10 years, he managed an old server that held information that still needed to be accessed, and he was the only one with the user id and password. All the operating and navigation was in Kevin’s head. No one could get that information from him. 15 years prior, at its sundowning a project was in place to move that data. Kevin wasn’t on that project; another employer operator was who Kevin didn’t like.

Decisions were made. Timelines established. And that other employee went out on leave and never returned. It was a couple of years down the line before anyone realized that the data wasn’t moving. Those that needed to access that information would go to Kevin as usual. He would ‘no’ without explanation and the back and forth of the ‘no’ until the requestor realized that Kevin, the epic negator and troll required an entry ‘how are you’ statement before agreeing to any request.

Once Kevin went through all his awful personal life tales, which never seemed to change, then the requestor could make the request. The answer would change to ‘no, but I’ll see’. Within a few days, he conquered the server and got the information – a victorious feat.

If Keven did not work for a growing medium-size company, the ‘oversight’ would have been caught and taken care of. Meaning that server’s data project completed and moved to a better place to access it. The fact that Kevin over his entire working career found hiding roles. His manager and co-workers, outside of Kevin’s normal behavior occurrences – literally forgot about him. Which is why he didn’t attend meetings. His desk is in an unused area.

The sequel – living in darkness under a bridge (his dream life)