Sex and the Workplace

Let’s talk about it. Starting with basic understandings and moving on to what occurs in the workplace. What’s covered here is not intended to offend or sway a personal belief you may have, but it’s important to understand all the parts that exist in our world. So, if this is not a subject you are comfortable with, scroll away. Hate is not welcome here.

Sex

The term ‘sex’ has two meanings or concepts; biological and intimate act. Biological sex is classified based on reproductive roles (reproductive cells) which can have variations. Sexes: Female (produces eggs), Male (produces sperm), and the variation Intersex (a spectrum of variations). This comes down to biology and biology can produce diversity of sexual characteristics.

Gender

Biological Sex tends to be confused with gender. Gender is a social construct that includes roles, behaviors, expressions and identities.

Social norms vary across cultures and change over time; these are called expected behaviors that are assigned to women and men.
Gender identities are an individual’s deep sense of being, meaning internally associated with a woman, a man, a blend of both or neither. It’s important to respect the individual and how they introduce themselves.
Gender Expression is how an individual presents themselves through clothing, hairstyles,

Genders:

Binary – refers to gender is strictly: Female and Male
Non-Binary – refers to gender outside of the traditional or binary terms. Individuals are a mix of binary (a spectrum) or entirely absent. Unique to the individual and separate from biological sex.

Examples:

Genderfluid – mean the individual’s gender identity fluctuates or shifts over time.
Agender – means the individual doesn’t identify with a gender or is genderless
Bigender – means the individual identifies with two distinct genders

Important - Every human being, across this planet, should be respected and treated with dignity, whether in or out of the workplace. Many have strong opinions about gender and gender identities, that generally come from lack of education and understanding.

Pronouns

Language structures how we communicate, therefore it’s important to understand how to be inclusive in written and verbal communication. It would not be right to address a female who identifies as female as she/her and not address a non-binary co-worker who uses the pronouns they/them. It would be insulting and demeaning to them. Introduction, the individual will let you know their preferred pronouns. Most have it listed on their email signatures.

The Intimate Act(s)

The term ‘intimate act’ encompasses a range of physical intimacy acts. The range of acts and how each is identified depends on personal, cultural, and medical definitions. These could be kissing, touching, physical sex (oral, anal, or vaginal), and/or masturbation on self or with other consenting adults.

In the Workplace

Let’s talk about it. In the workplace, the expectation and reason individuals are hired is to perform the work they were hired to do and are being paid for. You’d be hard-pressed to find flirting, dating, discussing, cheating, hook ups, pictures, videos, and engaging in a personal relationship on a job description. Yet across all businesses on any given day any one of these acts are occurring. There is no such thing as a secret interest or relationship at work. Someone knows and the whispering starts, then it’s on the radar. The distraction affects others, more than the ones involved.

Businesses highly discourage it for several reasons:

Work Relationships - in general can be challenging, adding a sexual attraction or a consensual flirting of the dating spectrum causes unintentional distractions. That distraction can range from gossip to the inability to remain professional at work, especially during periods of strife, jealousy, or breaking up. The unfortunate reality is that most never make it to Hallmark movie ending and work is not a reality show.
Legal & Professional Risks – it’s important to understand that even consensual sexual relationships at work can escalate into sexual harassment or illegal behavior, called quid pro quo harassment (manager and direct report). Consensual break-ups can result in claims filed working conditions that are uncomfortable or retaliation. All of it makes for a rocky path that leads to a threat of sexual harassment, hostile work environment or losing prime talent (either one or both).
Workplace Policies – these vary by company, but they are in place to avoid the drama that comes with personal relationships. Typical policies are:
- Consensual Relationship or Mandatory Disclosure – they can be worded in many ways, but it’s a document where the individuals involved in a ‘romantic’ relationship disclose it. Especially if they work in the same department or a conflict of interest arises.
- Professional Conduct Standards – can be a policy or a signed contract that employees must agree to maintain a strictly professional demeanor at work and work events, include business travel. Some include limiting personal conversations, strict behavior so there is nothing that can be perceived as special treatment, and guidelines on projects, performance and pay increases.
- Relationship Policies – these also are for employing relatives; generally, to avoid favoritism and conflict a parent can’t manage their child, or wife can’t have husband working for her and the like. It separates them to eliminate any form of preferential treatment. So, it would follow if the company had this policy, if a relationship started in the same department, one would have to move to another department.

These policies may seem or feel extreme, but they are necessary. Feel free to ask any HR professional or employment attorney about their viewpoints on the subject and they can tell you stories. None of them have a happy outcome. Taking out the legal piece, it’s a situation of emotions: sadness, grieving, anger, frustration, indifference, jealousy, betrayal, and all of this is happening in real time at work. Detachment of emotions would be great if it was a switch, you could turn on or off.

The Reporting

The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is the federal agency that tracks complaints, some may start at state’s Department of Labor or direct to an employment attorney. Employment complaints aren’t always simple; frankly they can feel very abrasive when an employee gains the courage to call and report.

Given the nature of the sexual conduct part and the blunt questions asked by the intake agent or attorney to ‘check off’ the boxes to meet the critical for the claim to be filed – it’s daunting. What’s a typical question and answer to the person on the other side of the phone or table. Is anything but to the victim who feels placed on the defensive, with rising emotions, and stunned discouragement. That why so many employees don’t report illegal behaviors.

I’ve made it a point to help prepare others on what to expect when reporting; need to have documentation, need to have a timeline, and need to stay calm and listen to the questions going to be asked and respond to only those questions. This isn’t a marketing or sales pitch scenario where you need to convince, because the facts stated will do that.

Details are needed, just not on the initial call. The initial is a process of evaluating if it meets the criteria the law requires. That is what the representative, agent, and/or attorney are doing at the first contact. It’s why it’s important to respond with clear, concise answers on the facts. The answers and additional questions asked might change which law was violated or open to other illegal activities.

The Industries

Let’s talk about the industries. It’s not a badge of honor for any industry to win a top three (3) placing. These industries have the following in common: low wages, customer-facing and/or dominated by a specific sex.

When a power imbalance is present, it places low wage earners at high risk and generally the management structure in these industries supports the hardline on the imbalance. Customer-facing, direct contact roles have a broader power disparity in an already unstable work environment. These industries are either female, non-binary, transgender- dominated or male- dominated, with the distinction of the females, non-binary, and transgender are disproportionally victims. Job insecurity and high turnover are prevalent in these industries as well.

Industries:

Hospitality and Food service
Retail
Manufacturing

Health Care and Social assistance isn’t that far behind Manufacturing. Companies in these industries do the best they can to protect employees, install policies, training, and programs. It’s not an excuse to not do better. High turnover rates and endless hiring cycles are hard to overcome. Is it easy to assume that employees quit because of the toxic environment and regular sexual harassment occurs – absolutely.

It’s estimated that up to 70% of victims don’t report; they stay silent, live in fear of retaliation and can’t afford to lose that job. So, they endure in those environments.

The Victims

It’s an unfortunate reality that victims who have already experienced the act(s) that were illegal with a mix of fear, shock, guilt, disbelief and embarrassment from the event(s). Then must navigate an emotional spectrum through anger, grief, anxiety, and self-blame on their own; made worse when lacking support from family and friends. Operating from a point of poor sleep, constant vigilance causes an impaired sense of judgement and safety. Then they must endure valid questions that feel attacking in that state of mind.

Let’s talk Numbers:

Women - 80% (approx.) experience some form of sexual harassment, unwanted attention, or assault in their lifetime. Higher amount from males, than females, non-binary or transgender individuals.
Men - 40% (approx.) experience some form of sexual harassment, assault or unwanted contact in their lifetime. Vast majority from women, then males, non-binary or transgender individuals.
Non-binary & Transgender Individuals - 85% (approx.) forms of sexual harassment, assault, and other unwanted behaviors in their lifetime.

The Accused & Falsely Accused

It’s a reality, employees are falsely accused of sexual harassment in the workplace. Like other complaints, the findings will reflect the truth. Let the investigation complete; do not confront the accuser, talk with others at work about it and no social media posts. The investigation process has embedded calculated step; so, if falsely accused trust that the facts will support that finding.

Let’s talk about the actions of the accused:

Current claim in unsupported with the accuser, but unprofessional conduct is uncovered that violates the sexual harassment or any policy – a termination is probable.
Current claim is unsupported do to lack of factual evidence, but multiple employees come forward with credible documentation and experiences as group or on an individual basis – a termination is definite.
Behavior of accused, in the workplace, textbook professional and reflects HR directives until the investigation is complete. Outside of the office sends texts, emails, posting to multiple social media and direct messages others at work to gain support and alibis; sometime with what to say to HR if asked or when they happen to stop by to chat with HR and drop it – a termination is probable.

Employees accused of wrongdoing tend to immediately overthink it; start burying facts, justify questionable acts, create fictional details, work on ‘better’ alibis for themselves and get others involved, and want to control the investigation. Ask any investigator what the tells are when someone lies – it would be most of those listed and a few more. There is no such thing as a perfect employee. The only thing those actions do are support guilt.

The accused (guilty) operate under the belief that verbal statements like ‘miscommunication’ or ‘she said/he said’ somehow trumps actual written, verbal recording and video evidence from the investigation. The higher the position the accuser holds at the company the more challenging the investigation. A career and reputation are a risk for a stain that cannot be wiped off. Sexual harassment behaviors are grown, meaning the accused has done this before in some manner.

Co-Worker – Wrong Place/Wrong Time

Let’s talk about it. In general, most employees would prefer to go to work, complete work, and then go home from work. Sex in the workplace is not their agenda. A consensual relationship or not, no one wants to be placed in witness seat they didn’t sign up for (unless you are the gossip of the workplace). TMI behaviors are always wrong time, in the wrong place, and in front of the wrong individuals – be considerate of your co-workers.

As adults, we can make good choices and control our behaviors and actions. Workplace etiquette doesn’t get a day off.

Oh my – Sex in the Workplace

Oh, my…this is never a comfortable subject, but these are very real events of what Sex & The Workplace look like and should never happen in the workplace. HR is the one who must explain to adults why their actions weren’t appropriate and make sure they are clear to not do it again.

Employers want employees to feel comfortable at work. A comfortable workplace culture doesn’t mean it’s okay to cross the wide very solid colored line into not acceptable.

There is no comfortable way to segway into these very real events that have occurred in the workplace. It can’t be stressed enough, none of these acts are suitable at work.

Attire – Sex & The Workplace

Skirts – Work & Interviews:

Asking an interviewee to stand, turn, and bend at the hips to judge if the skirt they are wearing is short enough (family diner)
Making statements that skirts need to be shorter to work here (family diner)
Making statements that customers like to ‘verify’ the shape of thighs or bottoms, it’s how you get better tips (bar)
Making comments that a panty line can be viewed and it would be better to go without them at work (upscale restaurant and in corporate office environments)
Measuring with a ruler how short the skirt is and referencing the company handbook (corporate office environment)
Female co-worker complains about another’s skirt that appear short. Employee who complained was written up for violating company attire standards, as her skirt was extremely tight and landed at mid-thigh all day from sitting. While seated the skirt was exposing areas that should not be viewed at work. Making others feel uncomfortable. Her action towards another, her co-worker, was blame-shifting or projection; her co-worker’s skirt was an inch short (valid); however, the skirt was appropriately sized and therefore it was not a case of the same violation of attire.
New co-worker started in a small department of ten employees; transgender and her style was loose fitting dresses; all the females in the department ‘ganged’ up on her and constantly gave her dressing advice, unwelcomed. The males attempted to stop it, their co-workers continued (the males went to HR to complain about it) and she remained silent.

Foundation Garments – Work & Interviews:

Asking an interviewee to dis-robe, especially the top layers to inspect the breasts, then turn around and bounce (granted this was for a specific establishment that has fitted tops)
Manual investigation of a female’s top half, while asking them to move and explaining expectations of the role, when not serving customers (restaurant)
Making comments about bra sizes or seeing the garment under the uniform top (family business).
Accidentally spraying water in the kitchen on female employees’ wearing white uniform top.
Inquiring about underwear preferences, all sexes, during a meeting in a mid-size company; and making those who refused to participate more uncomfortable with mocking them.
Dramatically adjusting bra for attention (technology company)

Feet & Footwear – Workplace:

Regardless of the trending mainstream ‘foot pictures’ - inquiring about other’s feet in the workplace, except a nail salon or spa environment, aren’t appropriate for the workplace. Do not covet your co-worker’s feet.

Pictures & In-Person Acts – Sex & The Workplace

Tattoos, Pictures, & Piercings – Work:

Showing co-workers newest (seventh) penis piercing in-person at work or when they get infected in-person at work (restaurant)
Showing anyone who asks, in person, nipple piercings (corporate call center)
Showing pictures of new labia piercing, multiple viewpoints of it in the breakroom in the morning (telecom organization)
Showing pictures of new tattoo covering vaginal area during the day to co-workers – failing to mention its location
Showing a collection of penis pictures of executives in medium-size company, alongside their child’s achievements to you manager (bank corporate office)
Snapping pictures in a bathroom stall (floor bathroom of corporate building). Exiting the stall to excitingly show pictures to the individual at the sink (unknown to the picture taker except by sight). Then continued to explain the photos would be posted on a website where only genitals date and hook up.
Sending instant messages with links to co-workers after finding executives on ‘hookup’ dating sites, listing out non-vanilla interests.
Showing co-workers again, snap shots of the genital hookup, after the first date (bathroom stall picture taker – already warned to not engagement in this way as it was not appropriate for the workplace)
Entering break area, an employee opened the ice machine and grabbed a handful of cubes (bared handed) and lifted skirt to ice vaginal area (corporate business) while chatting about a hot flash to a co-worker new to the floor at the microwave (corporate office).
Showing new breast implants at work and asking others if they want to touch them (financial office).
Showing a female co-worker a fully erected penis at work, near others working and asking their thoughts (this one happens too often in every industry)

In-Person Acts - Work:

Disturbing an oral act in a highly secured locked room, where only of the two had privileges, and consultants were following closely on the heels of the one who was not expecting to find anyone in the location (financial institution).
An employee who worked late, waiting for the elevator to reach floor and open, did not expect to find two people have sex. The two were not fazed by the interruption at all. The employee took the stairs, went to physical security where the guards were watching the video (corporate office).
An employee is looking for their manager, to the cooler. When the employee opened the door, the manager was there with two other employees in stages of undress. Manager later that night at check out, winked at the employee, and said his initiation was coming up soon (restaurant).
An employee, trying to make extra cash, offered at desk hand jobs. That individual argued that it was not a violation of the anti-solicitation policy as security broke up act (large call center).
Co-workers were complaining about electronic humming from the new space the team moved too. It was distracting when it was on. Building engineers and maintenance workers could never catch it. A member of the team was terminated and immediately walked out. Their manager cleared out their belongings and put them into a box. There were three vibrators removed from the desk (call center).
Night manager was paged, to a room suite by the cleaning staff; a hotel guest left a box and card for the two young women assigned to clean that floor. The box filled with adult toys, pictures of both just doing their work, and a note on how to contact him (hotel).
In a meeting, a female co-worker appeared to performing Sharon Stone’s Basic Instinct role, trying to distract the presenter of the presentation. For the eleven other co-workers, it was incredibly uncomfortable and disturbing.
A group of males would gather around a female’s desk for her to report back on new vibrators and sex positions she tried out. If asked, she would demonstrate how to hit the spot. Her two direct managers always attended this conversation. All were loud and disruptive (medium-size family business).
A new employee quit after the first week, because her trainer ask questions on how to give better oral to her husband. Was not swayed when the individual clearly stated for her to stop (family-owned large business)
Owner enjoyed stroking himself, and only to completion with one female member of senior leadership. In his head, it wasn’t sexual harassment because he wasn’t attracted to the female and wasn’t asking anything from her. He thought he was clever doing it in plain sight (landscape company).
Hotel called company, after recent stay by employee, to inform them of extra charges. The physical damage was north of $1,500 dollars, requiring the room to be out of service and the noise complaints from other guests on the floor. Given the number of biological fluids and material left across the room, a special cleaning service would also need to be paid by the company, as soon as they received the estimate. (engineering company).
Private escort service called company, because of a merchant services processing issue on an executive’s business card. They had been running the charges through under a different category, but an additional charge needed to be paid. They were impressed that the company was open to these services (according to the executive). The executive was being investigate for sexual harassment claims by two direct reports and his spouse worked at the same company (telecom company)

Decades working with humans, and they can still shock me. The industry, education level, or how high up the latter; none of it matters. The individuals with these behaviors tend to continue to do them regardless. No one likes having the facts presented in a formal meeting, but rarely do you hear or see changes in their behaviors.

Twenty years of sexual harassment training in the workplace, covered on the news, and embedded in society far enough where jokes are made and most workers can repeat the answers to those standard quiz questions. And the above behaviors still occur today.

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